Kelsey's Secrets Revealed

It is so interesting how different life is from one year to the next. At this time last year I was trying to figure out how to be the GBLTC director, trying to not be in a relationship with someone that is 200 miles away and 11 years older then me, trying to deal with all the drama in the community and trying to stay busy until I was ready to crash. This year I am trying to take a more backseat role in all the programming and drama, trying to be the best partner I can, and trying to be done with my day at school/work so I can get home. And the really interesting thing is that I was happy then and I am happy now. I loved the way my life was then, and I love the way my life is now. But in all honesty, I think I am happier now. I have come to realize that what makes me happy is people, and I have really spectacular people around me right now. Chris is more then I could have ever dreamed of in a partner. Other then Chris, I have a really great friends that are what make getting through all this bullshit of school worth it. The ideas, passions and desire to change the world pushes me everyday. God, I love the people in my life, especially the lady that is my beloved wife.

And on a totally different note, here is an article that was in TIME Magazine:
http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1682256,00.html

As with a lot of people it seems, this has been a very interesting weekend.

First of all, there is still snow in Seattle. What is happening around here? We never get snow, and now it won't seem to go away. The only reason that I really mind the snow is because that means it is cold, and the cold means freezing water on the ground, which this morning meant what Ashley termed my "fall from grace." In other words, I fell face forward on the side walk, ripped my favorite pair of gloves, and now my back hurts. DAMN the ice!

Today was also a day for journeys. I traveled by bus from the U District to Ballard (for Wendy's with Ashley and Patrick), then from Ballard to downtown, then from downtown back to the U District.

Last night I went to see the Rocky Horror Show. It was absolutely amazing!!!! Of course it was different then watching the movie, but it was much hotter in person. And my new goal is to get that hot gay boy to come to my office! I just have to meet him!

The night before last I was kissed by a girl at a straight party.

And that same day I rode in a car with one of the most fabulous gay men I have ever met!

As to relationship stuff, I think things are progressing well in that area. I mean one never knows, but I really like being around him, and I would really like to see where it goes.

"I fear that I have nothing to give"...ahh Sarah McLachlan how you always seem to be able to say what I can't.

Right now I am sitting in my office. Okay, I have to stop there. I don't think I have really come to grips with the fact that this space, while belonging to the UW, is mine. Granted, I have spent quite a bit of time decorating this place (and if you haven't come by yet you better get you ass here soon otherwise I will have to write you out of my life!), as well as doing countless other things within these four walls. But I still don't know. I don't know if any place I ever am lately has had a connection for me. Could be because so much of my life is not about the now, but the future. Or because so much of what I am right now is dependent on my job. I don't know.

Here is what I do know:
1. Last night I felt better/happier/more myself then I have in a VERY long time.
2. I am excited about tomorrow.
3. I really like wearing back.
4. I felt good in the Q Center today.
5. I love accessories.
6. I need to do office hours in the ECC.

In case anyone wants to know, the John thing is done. He and I, well it was good. And it was bad. But I think at least for right now, there is nothing there. And I really feel good about that. I didn't think I would. I didn't think I could be okay with not having him in my life in any real way, but I guess you can even surprise yourself sometimes.

Check this out!!!!!!!!! It is from the UW Library archives. http://content.lib.washington.edu/cdm4/item_viewer.php?CISOROOT=/imlsmohai&CISOPTR=1614&REC=18

Alright, I know that sounds like a contradiction, me enjoying anything in Longview. But it has happened. Sunrise Bagels officially rocks my world. I first enjoyed the splendor with my lovely wife, and now that I am here alone it is still wonderful. For example, I just enjoyed an actual mocha (believe me, that doesn't usually happen in this town) that was accompanied by a bagel. However, this was no ordinary bagel. It was toasted panini style with pesto cream cheese mozzarella cheese and tomato! Plus the cutest little baby just waved at me! So, if you are ever for some reason in Longview, come here.

P.S. They have free Wifi


Okay, so on to other things. Life is officially intense. I am having feelings I don't know what to do with, and I know as soon as I leave this town they will be gone. But that time is so far away. And at the same time I don't really want to leave. I am starting to actually be okay here. That statement is of course only temporary, cause god knows my feelings about Longview are constantly changing. But for now it is okay. And it is SO nice to have 120 miles between me and life. I guess that's it. I don't really feel like this is life for me, and this place is so different from where my life is that it's like a different world altogether.

In other news, I got asked out again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I got a call yesterday, and I was told that this person was "thinking about me" and they "had a really great time" when we went out last week; and then the kicker came-"and I would really like to go out with you again when you get back into town"! So basically I am just really happy about that because I also had a great time!

And finally, I <3 the L Word. I mean it is just so dramatic, and there are just so few male identified people. Regardless of the fact that it's over the top, and like all TV shows doesn't touch on everything that it should; the L Word is just so full of women and I love it!

Here I am, once again in Longview, and as usual it is what I expected in some ways and is the opposite of what I expected in others. But first, I just need to say that I am very upset by the amount of "Holiday" music I have heard in the last few hours. I realize now that Thanksgiving is over, everyone is focused on Christmas (and I would delve into the feelings I have about that, but that would take too much effort), but honestly, we still have a month to go!

As to Longview and my adventures or lack there of. I expected to come down here and have to deal with John, which I thought meant finding a way to not fall into the trap I always seem to when it comes to ex's. But instead he has made no effort to contact me at all. And you would think that would make me happy, that him respecting my wishes would be great; but of course you would be wrong. Instead I am feeling very unwanted, which is ridiculous! Damn uncontrollable emotional reactions that are not logical! Oh well, at least this means I won't be having sex with any of my ex's this Thanksgiving break which is the first time that has happened in three years I think!

Alright everyone, I'm very confused, I KNOW that there has to be something going on tomorrow (Nov 15th) after 5:30, there just has to be, but I have nothing on my calendar. This just can't be right, so if you know of something that is happening, or know of something I should be doing please let me know!!!!!!

Today was a very interesting day. As with most days there were high points and low points. Some of the high points included all the time I got to spend with amazing people in the HUB, getting to see my beloved wife and unexpectedly Marisa for queer 101. Also, I had a very nice coffee thing after the work day was officially done. The low points are really more my insecurities about myself then actual events. I guess I just want people to know me, for there to be a connection. So I often give away too much information. This information tends to give people certain impressions of me. And I wish that I could say those impressions are wrong, but they aren't. And really this is just a side note to my biggest problem: I give too much of myself. I will always give whatever it is that someone needs from me. Of course the solution is to do what I need, but the thing is, I don't know what that is. I don't know how to separate myself and my needs from the people around me because all of myself is devoted to other people. So in essence it is like Kelsey doesn't exist. Or at least I don't have any idea who I am, and I can't seem to find myself, or have any identity that is my own and not connected to being something that supports someone else.

So that's me right now, very lost, hallow, and alone. Damn, why do I have to depend on someone else to make me feel worthwhile?

I know, I know, me being in the library is basically an unheard of situation. However, you all are not to worry because I have not done one bit of studying since being here. In fact, the only reason I am in the library is to bring fry bread to Ashley and hang out with her. So again, don't worry that I am actually becoming a dedicated student or anything!

As for my life outside this particular moment, things are very interesting. I am getting used to being single again (if any of you didn't know, John and I broke up last weekend), which is kind of interesting, and frustrating at the same time. I am going to have to start playing the game again that we all wish we didn't have to play, and yet always get sucked into playing anyway. As per usual, I have a crush, but that is basically a constant state for me, and it's not like he has shown any interest really so at this point it is just a fun little crush that EVERYONE seems to know about!

Work wise there is a lot of stuff happening. I just picked up the posters for Leslie Feiberg, the fry bread eating contest is tomorrow which should be pretty amazing, new groups are starting, and a few of the old groups are doing great things.

Well, that is about it for now!

So, it's Sunday at about 5 and I'm in my office. I know that sounds ridiculous to most people, but I had to get out of my apartment and the only place I could think to go was the HUB. My, how my life has changed. I think this officially makes me an ASUW person which is kind of scary because I never thought that I would be this person. But then, I guess this is what I have left now. I'm not that silly straight girl that spends all of her time in the Q Center, but rather that silly straight GBLTC director that spends all of her time in the HUB.

I wish that I had more to say right now about what is going on in my life beyond being in the HUB, but it feels like everything I do can be encompassed in this building. The execptions of course being that I am spending a lot of time with two of the loveliest ladies at the UW. I also had a coffee thing last week which was fun and I spent time with Eric this weekend which was long overdue.

I know, I know, it has been far too long since the last of my LJ posts. And I apologize to all of you because I have actually managed to not read anything on here in about a month, so if it seems as if I don't know what is going on in anybody else's lives (which is not like me at all), that is the reason. I don't know why I have been so absent lately. It's not that I don't dearly love and miss everyone up there in Seattle, I guess I am just going through a very self centered stage. My feeling is that I almost have to be down here. I have to concentrate on me, and really focus on keeping the me that I found intact. I honestly feel that if I don't put all of my energy into that task, everything I have worked for and learned in this past year will just disappear; and that can't happen. I can't go back, and more, I don't want to. But this place, it's, I don't even know how to describe what it is to me. It is my past, and my present, but there is this time between past and present that has changed me, and made me not belong here. Yet I don't feel like I can belong in Seattle either because my heart is here. Damn, why can't it just be simple? Why can't the man I love let himself love me back? Why can I only find happiness with the guys that can't give me anything in return? Oh well. In a week I will head back to the place that makes my soul happy, and leave the place where all the men I have ever loved live. What does that say, what does it mean that the town I can't exist in is also the place that I find love?

Here is a little poem I wrote the other night while I was at work. It isn't a master piece or anything, just something silly I passed the time with!


The Kiln Spotter:
Always waiting; for the next load, for the next break, for the last day.
Ever present, mostly ready.
They dress in the reflective colors that save their lives.
They see the passing of time.
Day into night, night back into day.
Never changing.
Bolster lifting, cart moving, paint inhaling.
Tireless hours that never end, minutes that last days.
Love and life waiting on the other side of the gate.
The Kiln Spotter, always hurrying only to wait.

So there I was, sitting in the lunch room earlier this week bull shitting with the guys as usual and then Ken (who retired two days later) said something that just cracked me up. I don't know if it was just the fact it was last break (which happens at 1:30am and means there are only two more hours to go), or if I was just in a silly mood, but I couldn't stop laughing. So now that I have hyped it so much, here is Ken's quote "I feel sorry for people that don't drink because when they wake up in the morning that is the best they are going to feel all day!"

Beyond Ken's quote, things down here in "squirrel town" are going alright. Work is work, although the nice fat paycheck I got this week really softened the blow. At this point I am having a little bit of a hard time finding my place around here. I am part of the crew, because I know all the stories (hell I was there for most of the really good ones), but at the same time I am still that summer help girl that a few of the guys still feel like they have to watch what they say around me. However, they don't watch what they say in a homophobic sense, or ableist sense, but they just try to not say things that would "send them out front", which means getting them sent to Human Resources. Pretty much the only two people I connect with are JD and John. Oh well.

Alright, well that is pretty much what is going on with me. I don't know for sure when I will be able to make it back up to Seattle again, but I promise it will be soon, and I wouldn't mind some visitors down here if any of you have a way to make the trip!

It's a very interesting experience to stand in the same place at sunset and sunrise twice in one week.

P.S. The sunrise this morning kicked ass!!!!

OMFG pride was soooooooooooooooo amazing! I can't even begin to describe what that day was like for me. Even though I only got oh, three hours of sleep (maybe) I was so excited to be there and be apart of it. As those of you that were there may have noticed, my little sister came along with me. I don't know exactly why she wanted to be there so badly, I mean I know how much those in our family love free t-shirts but there has to be more. And if I were to read what I just said, I would say "talk to her about it." But see the thing is I can't seem to talk to my family about things. I can talk to my friends for hours about my feelings and their feelings, and my feelings about their feelings, but I can't even ask my sister what really made her want to be there so much.

And now I am back in Longview. Last night at work was very interesting. First of all we ended up working two hours over which meant that I was on the plant site from 4:30pm yesterday until 5:30am today. But the good news is the time and a half I will be getting paid for being there. Beyond that I think I worried a few of the guys. I know that two or three of them are pretty cool with queer things, or at least don't put queer people down all the time and kind of listen to me. But one of them last night said something about how wrong it was for a man to wear nail polish and eyeshadow. So of course me being who I was said "what's wrong with that?" This of course started a pretty pathetic disply of logic on their part but I think that they are starting to get the hint a little, maybe. And I don't know if them starting to understand a little about me is good or bad. If it will just alienate me from them or if they will just wait until I'm out of the room to talk about it? Oh well.

The other interesting part of last night was that John stopped by again. Of course I have mixed feelings about what that means and where we are but the bad thing is that the guys are starting to notice that he only comes around our part of the mill when I am there. Nothing has happened this year, and I really don't think it will, but if they think it is and the summer has just started, this could prove to be a very interesting year.

So, I have heard from a few people that they would be mildly happy if I came up to Seattle this weekend...so I guess I will ;) In all honesty I don't think I could not come up this weekend. Not only is it PRIDE!!!! which is enough reason to make the trek, but also because I miss Seattle so much. I miss the town, I miss the coffee, and I really, really miss my friends! So Seattle, my home, here I come(in a few days)!

In other news, I start night shift tonight. Yesterday was my first day on the job, which meant lots of stuff about how to not get killed or injured, all of which I have heard every year for the last four years. However, I feel kind of weird about the whole situation because this year's orientation only took half a day which isn't right! Don't get me wrong, I am extremely happy that I didn't have to sit through all the info again, but really, they should make us because some of that stuff is really important. Oh well. Another aggravating aspect of yesterday was the fact that they gave us these forms to self identify as either a person with a disability or a vet, but she didn't even let us read over the form and asked for them right then (assuming that no one would want to fill it out, and even if we did, we should have to problem filling it out in a small room with five other people!).

Beyond all of that, not much is going on around here. But if anyone wants to give me a call, don't hesitate! I work from 5pm to 3:30am Monday through Thursday (well Friday morning technically but whatever), and if I don't answer your call right away, I will call you back, so please liven up my life!!!!!

For everyone that doesn't know already, I am back in good ol' Longview. I just got here yesterday and in many ways it feels like I have never left it. Like all the things that happened to me in the last year were a wonderful, fabulous, dramatic dream. And I know I say that every time I'm home. But this time, it truly is different. It is more like I am able to view my life here from this outside perspective. As if I am detached. But that made me think, cause if this is kind of like how I feel every time I'm home, does that mean that Longview = detachment? I have this horrible feeling that for the next few months I am going to feel so numb, and I really don't want that. I would rather be crying non-stop then feeling nothing.

And I miss everyone, I miss all the Q Center people I am used to seeing every day and are such a huge part of my life. I miss knowing the guys are downstairs and if I just need to hang out with someone I can go down there. I miss the fact that I can just walk a couple of blocks, or hop on a bus and hangout. What am I going to do here? And on top of all that, I am so afraid that the people that I only see when I make the effort because they don't think about it or are completely content with themselves are going to forget about me. That they don't care that I am gone, and won't miss me at all. That for them, me being in Longview doesn't matter because they don't have a need to see me anyways. Oh well, I guess I just need to deal because I can't change their feelings, and I don't want to change who they are, it just make me sad.

Alright, so it is 2AM and I just got back from the Hill after a really fun night of drinking really cheap beer and hanging out with some really cool people. However, there is one small problem, one of those people...well I guess I don't know quite how to explain it. What I feel for them is more then a crush (regardless of what I said in my drunken ramblings), but is clearly one sided. God, I am really starting to hate this. Why can't someone that I find attractive, or someone that I am interested in ever think the same way about me? I mean I know that I'm not the greatest catch in the world. God knows I could loose a few (dozen) pounds, and that my life will be at best chaotic next year, but damnit, I want to be wanted. I want someone to have some kind of feeling towards me that is more then friendship. Is it so unfathomable that someone find me attractive? And I know, I know, all my friends think I am pretty and stuff, but lets face it guys, you aren't attracted to me. I mean I got dressed up in an outfit tonight that included my lowest cut tank top, short skirt and my black boots yet the only person that even seemed to notice was the drunk guy on the AVE that said I had nice legs. And if I'm not hot enough in that outfit, if I can't get people to notice me when I try my hardest then maybe I will just stop.

So then this more then a crush person. You all know who it is, it's not like it has been any kind of a secret, but it is really throwing me for a loop. I haven't felt this way about a person in a long time, and it is so damn hard to know that nothing is going to happen. That once again I am not what someone could want.

On to my last purge of the night...I have two, what I consider to be very close friends that both seem to care very little for our friendship right now. I know that people are busy/moving but that is no excuse for not returning phone calls and not stopping by. Do you know how much it hurts to see the road that these relationships are going? And the question could be asked, why don't you do something Kelsey? Well the thing is, I am always the one that has to reach out, give in, put my self out there to get hurt and I'm fucking sick of it.

That was my night and my thoughts, I know it may seem like I am just bitching, and yeah, that may be the case, but a lot of this I need to get out so I hope you all understand.

Alright, so it is almost two in the morning and Lavender Grad is in sixteen hours! Now what I am about to say may come as a shock, or it may not, but the only times I left the Q Center today from 10AM until 1AM was to get Solstice and dinner. Sad I know, but we had shit to do! Oh, btw, happy b-day to Marisa! Also, in case any of you didn't know I was told yesterday that I am now the new GBLTC Director! I am really excited about it, and if any of you have ideas about what you want the commission to be next year let me know! Alright, I have to be ready to go to Ballard in eight hours so I guess I should sleep. Nighty Night!


P.S. Drunk girls need to get away from my building/window when they are yelling at their boyfriends because I am really sick of hearing it!

Just wanted to let everyone know that I have created a new live journal community for the Q Center. I am not 100% sure about how it all works, so give me a little leeway if it doesn't go totally according to plan in the beginning. It has the fabulously creative name of uw_q_center so if you are interested in knowing what is going on in the Q Center please join!